Feel the worry, and write it anyway

Last week I happily announced to my book mentors and colleague writers that I had reached another milestone in the book writing process: I had written more than 10.000 words and felt really chuffed with myself.

Then on Friday I attended a webinar with the same group of people. We discussed all kinds of topics regarding the book writing process, including ‘Permissions and Copyright’. It highlighted an aspect of the publishing process that I hadn’t given much thought yet, and to be honest I felt quite deflated over the weekend, despite the fact that I haven’t quite gotten to that stage yet.

Over the last year or so I have learned a lot already about writing and publishing and I was aware of having to use references for quotations of other people’s work, but permissions are a different thing – they might actually be needed if I was to describe other people’s ideas, concepts or tools. And it kind of threw me sideways a bit over the weekend and I felt quite deflated and worried, because what I’m writing about is based on explaining other people’s thoughts and developments, and then I share how it has helped me, and in what way I passionately believe it could help you too.

So instead of doing more writing this weekend, I found many other things to do and distract myself with; let’s say that the garden has seen a bit of a transformation, for example, which is not a bad thing but it wasn’t what I had planned to do. As I can’t continue NOT writing my book, I have chosen to face up to my worry and explore it fully to find out how to deal with it and get passed it so I can keep writing. While processing my thoughts and feelings I discovered a few things about this ‘Permissions’-thing.

1.      There is a little voice in my head that actually doesn’t like having to ask for permission to do anything. It is the ‘Child’ in me, rebelling against ‘established authorities’ who might end up defining what I can and cannot write, say, do. I know that my Rebel Child can be quite overpowering at times. I guess I’ve always been a bit of a free spirit and I don’t like the idea of other people deciding for me what happens to something that I feel very strongly about.
So I have had to soothe my Rebel Child, using my Parent-voice, saying that it will all be okay and that it will work out just fine, and that there is no valid reason at all to stop writing about a subject I love to talk about. I will explain more in my book about how to use self-parenting like I just described.

2.      This morning I shared with my book mentors and some peers that I felt deflated this weekend, feeling worried that I was wasting my time writing this book and wondering if these permissions were going to stop the publishing process in its tracks at some point. I wanted to check out reality around my worries, to see whether they are justified or whether I am making mountains out of molehills.
I found out that usually there aren’t any problems and that permissions are usually granted. I was also reminded of the fact that I have to write the book first to see where permissions might be needed. And apart from that, I did some fact finding on publishing and permissions, and even though there is a bit more research to do I feel more in control now I have more information to go on.

3.      If I have to ask permission to include my understanding and explanation of other people’s ideas and concepts in my book, then they might actually think of feel that I’m missing the point, didn’t get it at all the way it was meant, concluded the wrong thing, implemented it in a weird way, not doing the original idea or concept justice.... etc. Who am I to go out there and say that I agree or disagree with anything, to claim that I understand something, to believe that what I have to share will actually be of help to my readers? Who am I to think that people will actually want to hear what I’ve got to say in the first place?
This weekend there were many thoughts like this in my head, and I can only sum them up with the two words ‘Imposter Syndrome’, and it means something like this: ‘I’m sure everyone will think that I’m actually not as knowledgeable about this as I think I am, and they’ll find me out soon...’
This is not a new experience to me and it feels like a familiar little demon has reared its ugly head again. But after a little time spent on asking myself why I was so worried this weekend, I am aware that I have to look this little demon in the eye again, acknowledge its existence – then do what I know I need to do which is writing my book instead of listening to its crackling voice full of attempts to diminish my confidence. Maybe, a long time ago, there was a good reason for this little demon to be in my life, but when I really think about it now it is very clear to me that this voice has no relevance at all in my present day and I don’t have to listen to it anymore.

So now it’s Monday morning and a new week lies ahead of me. I’m aware of my ‘Child’, my mountain and my little demon. Knowing all this doesn’t necessarily take the feeling of worry away; it gives me an opportunity to decide not to act on the feeling and stop myself in my tracks, but to let my Adult-self take over and keep going.

My Adult voice talks about taking responsibility for the situation I found myself in when worrying this weekend, and helps me make decisions based on the reality of the ‘here and now’. And what is very real right now is that I am excited about writing a book about Communication and to share with you what I have learned – it is a story only I can tell.

So I have decided: I’m feeling the worry, and I’m writing my book anyway.

Have a great week,

Renny