The language of guilt

Wow, it’s been a bit of a mad summer. After the lockdown and being at home with my family for months, the four of us (and two dogs) at one point found ourselves split over three different countries due to circumstances, and even though I know that it was the way it is I found it a little tricky to not feel fragmented in my experience of that situation as it was very different from the summer we planned as a family. I guess, being a mother, wife and dog lover, I wasn’t quite ready to not all be in one place, having to change our plans quite a few times because of unexpected happenings.

Of course there were knock-on effects of changed plans, and one in particular came up - I’ve did some exploring why I felt so uncomfortable with a reply I received from a dear friend in response to a message I sent her.

We work together as volunteers supporting a group of people who are taking a course. I love doing this work – it is so satisfying to know that I can add value to other people’s experience of taking the course I loved so much myself the year before. Through this volunteering I have also met some amazing souls who have enriched my life to no extend, and continue to do so. I feel so much love and gratitude when thinking about them!

However, with everything going on in the summer I had to prioritise certain things. With having to adjust our plans almost on a daily basis, I needed to constantly choose what to spend my time on and what would have to wait. Unfortunately, my volunteering had to give way quite a bit.

Feeling discomfort

As a result of ‘things having to give way’ I sent messages to my lovely fellow volunteers about not being able to commit to spending a lot of time supporting the group. At one point, when it all got a bit much for me, I was chatting online to one of them. Later on I received a message from her that she thought I was complaining more and more lately, and that I maybe wasn’t appreciating the moments that were good, that maybe I wasn’t feeling gratitude for things. I felt that her message was sent with love, but I felt unsettled after reading it and took some time to digest what she wrote. It was an interesting exploration of my deepest thoughts and beliefs, and I came to some really fascinating insights.

Language of complaint vs. Language of guilt

Do I complain sometimes? Yes, most certainly. And yes, I do find it hard to not speak in words like ‘I haven’t got time for that’ or ‘It’s all a bit much’, and ‘It’s killing me to have to do that’. But at the same time, sometimes these words come out with people who I trust and love, where I feel I can be myself in my rawest moments, where I can show what is happening, where the ‘struggle’ is and how I’m trying to find my way through all that. Sometimes it just helps to open up, put it into words and then being able to let go.

I also realised that me explaining what was happening and what is taking up so much of my time, wasn’t meant as a complaint. Considering I am committed to my volunteering but realising that it is something I couldn’t make a priority at that point effected the people I work with – my ‘absence’ might have mean more work for them. And that is where my guilt kicked in...

So some of the things I wrote in messages to my friends were not meant as complaints, but as explanations. And these explanations (not excuses!) were partially written in the language of guilt, and I can now see how easily these two – complaints and language based on guilt – are mixed up.

Where it was my intention to explain, it came across as complaints. It was the guilt I felt for not being in a position where I could pull my weight that lead me to disclose quite a bit of what was going on for me at that point, in an attempt to explain why I made choices that resulted in not spending much time on my volunteering commitment.

Am I grateful for things in my life? Oh yes, I am. Every day I appreciate so many things... people I’m with or speak to, new opportunities and insights, small or big experiences. I guess that I spent less time talking about these with the people who were affected by my ‘lack of time’ for my volunteering, which is not the same as a lack of commitment. I have realised that I didn’t want to sound like I was having a great time despite everything while I knew that they were holding the fort for me...

Letting go of the guilt

So I decided to spend some time by myself, focussed on accepting that ‘I am enough, that I am doing the best I can.’ It is an old theme... and yet again I revisited it because I had just peeled another layer of the onion. I know now to be more aware again of the language I use – the language of guilt was not the best way to approach a situation as it was perceived as complaining, so I need to be clearer in what I say.

Maybe it would have been clearer to say: ‘Despite my overall commitment I cannot make volunteering a priority right now.’ That would have been closest to my truth at the time, but I was grateful for the clarity in the end.