The stories we tell (ourselves)

While growing up as well as in our adult lives, there are so many experiences and impressions that we cannot possibly compute them all. Unfortunately most people seem to remember the bad things much more than the good things. We give the difficult and challenging situations so much more energy – we keep feeding these memories with our time and attention.

We turn them into stories we tell, not just to tell to other people but to ourselves as well, reinforcing the negative experience over and over again. Over time, it is very likely that these stories change… details disappear or get added, often influenced by newer experiences. We blend things together in our memories and they become a mismatch of information.

These stories change and shape our beliefs

Over the last decade in particular I have done a lot of soul-searching and self-discovery. I have come to realise that the way I remember things is often not the way a situation might have actually happened. My mind is playing tricks on me and I hang on to something that is maybe half truth, half fabrication. And ask me about that same situation again in 10 years time, and I will most likely tell you a different version of that same experience than the story I would tell you today.

Many of these stories  – partially true, or sometimes almost completely made-up ‘memories’ – are not necessarily easy to recognize, but they very much influence our beliefs and how we view the world around us. Because we turn these stories and memories into negative beliefs, like ‘I’m not good at anything’, ‘I’m not enough’. We also form beliefs about other people: ‘He’s much better at that than I am’, or beliefs about what we think other people think, like ‘Nobody likes me’, ‘They will never appreciate my efforts’.

Story transformation

I have worked with hundreds of clients over the years who have bravely shared their experiences and stories with me as part of their regular massage treatments and coaching sessions. I feel humbled that I was a witness of these honest accounts of what they have gone through in their lives, and it has been a great privilege to have been part of the transformations they made in their lives.

However, the biggest transformations happened to the clients who were willing to pick their stories apart in order to discover how much of what they were telling themselves was still true and appropriate in their current day. It can take quite a bit of courage to really think about what stories have been ‘true’ for who-knows-how-long… sometimes it is painful to realise that what you might have believed all your life is not actually real, or valid.

Becoming aware

So I invite you to be brave… Think about what you say... What do you tell yourself? What do you tell others? Where do your stories come from?

So become aware. Catch yourself out, especially when you use negative language in your statements: not, nobody, never. Even absolute words like ‘always’ are negative if they are followed by a negative emotion, like ‘always bad’.

Ask yourself: Do I REALLY believe what I just said, or have I told myself this same old story so often that I don’t realise anymore that anything else could be closer to the real truth about myself and the world around me?

Be gentle on yourself, but have some courage – all change starts with awareness!